May 2010
Negotiating dating online within Arab contexts
“I and my fiancée met online but we tend to tell people that we have met in a friend’s party”; this is what my friend answered me when I asked her how she met her fiancée. My friend told me this information because I am a close friend and would understand the situation. This story is common in the Arab world nowadays as Arab people still have a difficulty accepting the idea of people meeting or dating online. Arabs also have a negative image on people meeting online so people might hide how they have met like my friend (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). In this paper, I am going to look at some of the reasons why people have this negative image of online dating. In addition, I am going to provide some examples of Arab online dating website to illustrate more.
Some facts about online dating would be mentioned to give a brief background on online dating in general. Nowadays, marriage has become easily arranged online and even sexual desires can be simply fulfilled (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.187). People worldwide lately have used the internet for dating, getting married and even having sex (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.187). The number of online romantic relationships has increased dramatically as more people nowadays have access to the internet (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). The question here would be how could online romantic relationships affect face to face relationships? People who experience online dating report those face to face relationships are not affected and consider online relationships important as face to face relationships (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). Merkle (2000) described the internet as the new space for people to shape social relationships. This is obvious as more people are using internet for online dating (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). I also agree with Merkle’s definition of the internet as nowadays almost everything has become digital even social communications such as sending a birthday card instead of calling...etc. In addition, Mckenna (1999) has found in a study conducted on 600 randomly respondents in the United States that 51% of respondents create close friends online and 35% created romantic relationships. This study proves the idea that internet is being used increasingly nowadays for dating and romantic relationships.
After giving a brief introduction on online dating worldwide, a background on Arabs and online dating would be introduced. The notion of online dating is new to the Arab society but at the same time it is commonly used especially with the high rate of unmarried young people (Abeed 2006). In the Arab world, it is common for the family to choose for young people the suitable groom or bride (Abeed 2006). However, the internet has given young Arabs the chance to choose the partner by themselves (Abeed 2006).The Arab society, especially the Gulf society, is conservative and the notion of online dating is new but commonly used among young people because of repression caused by family control and culture (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner).
The background on online dating mentioned above would lead to the research questions of this essay. First, what are the reasons for Arabs to use the internet to meet people then get married? Second, how would Arab society deal with online dating? Finally, what is the role of culture, religion and family dealing with online relationships?
The reasons for Arabs to use the internet for dating and then marriage are various. First, some Arabs are away from their hometown. As a result, the tradition is to get married to someone from the same country but this is a bit difficult when people are not in their home country. For example, Suheer is an Iraqi lady who lives in Jordan and wants to get married but from an Iraqi man (Al-khatateya 2010); she is in her thirties and needs to get married as she is getting old and the society has started to criticize her for being late in getting married (Al-khatateya 2010). As a result, she used the internet to find the man of her dreams. She eventually found the man and they got married but the guy turned to be abusive and not like what he claimed to be online and she even described him as a “monster” (Al-khatateya 2010). The story of Suheer indicates two points; the first point is about the Arab culture and how the society views the girl who is unmarried in her thirties as spinster and look down to her. The second point is about having fake image through the internet because it is all about computer screen and cheating can be common. However, internet sometimes might be the only way for meeting people to get married especially for people from a country like Iraq with circumstances caused by the war (Al-khatateya 2010).
Another reason for Arabs using internet for dating is in some Arab countries especially the Gulf area, girls and boys do not usually communicate and mix. Consequently, girls and boys tend to use the internet to choose their partner instead of family choosing on their behalf (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Repressed youth not only using internet for online dating but they might do so many wrong things online as well (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Ali Alwardy, An Iraqi sociologist, criticized such conservative communities which repress its people and then behave wrongly (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think Arab society is contradictory as Gulf society does not allow girls and boys to mix and at the same time let them do whatever they want online (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner).
In addition, there are other reasons for Arabs to use internet for dating and the first is shyness (Abeed 2006). Some Arabs just feel shy to talk about themselves online and this is why internet solves this problem as they can chat and write without facing the person. Some people ,especially women, feel embarrassed to talk about themselves face to face so they prefer online dating (Abeed 2006). I think conservative societies cause young people to be shy and then use internet to escape facing people.
Also, some Arabs believe in the notion of meeting and getting married online for some reasons. Some believe that internet gives people the chance to know their partners well before getting married (Reyah 2009). For some, traditional way of getting married does not allow them to know the partner well so online dating is the best for such people in such conservative communities (Reyah 2009). This is the advantage of internet as people have the chance to talk freely and tend to know the other better. Moreover, anonymity is one of the advantages which people like about online dating (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). According to a qualitative research conducted by Wysocki in 1996-1998, people prefer online dating to face to face relationships because they can enjoy the anonymity in the beginning of meeting new people (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). People via online dating feel free to reveal many personal matters because it is anonymous. However, some might criticize this notion and say it is also a bad thing as some people hide behind this anonymity and cheat people.
Some Arabs believe that online relationships allow people to be in control of such relationships. For example, people can disconnect or block any unpleasant people they meet online but in real life, it is hard to delete somebody (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.190). This advantage might be good for some but at the same time it might be a disadvantage as people might only be having fun and not serious in the relationship. This is the main problem with online dating which Arabs are concerned about and I would talk more about in the next paragraph.
The last sentence of the previous paragraph leads to why online dating is problematic for Arabs. According to the marital and family therapist David Schnarch (1997), some and most men might prefer to have a romantic relationship online because such relationships have no commitment (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.190). This means that online relationships are not serious and only for fun as my hypothesis suggested. However, I cannot generalize that all online relationships are not deep or serious as there are some successful relationships which have started online. Arabs also believe that online relationships are not authentic because users can log off from their computer anytime and do not reply to any message online (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). This might be true but it depends on individuals and how serious they are in their relationship. It is hard to know but when a couple decides to develop their relationship to meet in real life, the case is going to be different. At the same time, some people might see the ability to log off anytime people want as an advantage and keep people in control.
In addition, one of the problems of online dating is cheating among married couples online (Reyah 2009). Some Arabs believe that online dating and marriage would bring social problems to the family such as unsettlement (Reyah 2009). However, cheating and unsettlement among the family can be common among couples who get married traditionally so why would those problems be only related to online marriage? The reason for that might be because people tend to know shallow stuff about each other via the internet. However, this contradicts what some claim about online dating that people have the chance to be more honest talking about themselves because it is anonymous (Reyah 2009).
Online infidelity among couples is one of the problems of online dating. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the rate of divorce has risen due to online infidelity (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). 53% of respondents to the study conducted by Mckenna, people not only commit infidelity to their face to face relationships but to their online relationships as well (McKenna 1999). This again shows that people are just having fun through online relationships as they do not stick to one online relationship (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.132). This is mainly why most Arabs have a negative image about online dating and marriage.
Furthermore, divorce rate is high among people from conservative societies; this does not mean divorce is not common among people from other communities or only among online relationships but its more common among online relationships (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Maysa Al-karaan, a social care specialist explains how online dating might cause shock for some young people as they imagine what the partner looks like online and when they get married, they are shocked because the image in their mind is not as in reality (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). This shock might be applied to online sex where some men use pornography websites and compare what they are exposed to online with real life and their wives (Issa 2010). This results in weak relationship among husbands and wives (Issa 2010). I think this is a real problem for young married couples and this is why the rate of divorce among young couples is very high (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Dr.Basant Mahmoud, A sociologist with PhD in early divorce, states that internet has become one of the important causes of divorce in the Arab world as people depend on sex websites and get shocked in reality (Issa 2010). Lack of sexual awareness has led young people to be curious about sex and then use the internet especially sex websites to fulfill their sexual desires, dr. Mahmoud added (Issa 2010).
In addition, Dr.Heba Qutb, sex health expert, stated that online sex might cause many problems for young people and one of these problems is late marriage (Issa 2010). Young single men tend to use the internet for online sex and this might replace real sex, Dr. Qutb added (Issa 2010). This is true in my opinion as in a conservative society where sex is a taboo, people tend to find alternatives and internet is one of the best alternatives (Issa 2010).
Economic and financial factors which prevent young people from getting married contribute to the notion of people using internet to fulfill their desires (Issa 2010). Dr Qutb stated that online sex or dating is cheaper than real marriage as nowadays in Egypt for example, it is expensive for middle class people to get married. As a result, people tend to use online dating for fewer expenses (Issa 2010). It is worth to add that sometimes married men seek sex online as it is cheap and does not require specific place and time, dr. Qutb added (Issa 2010).
Arab society in general is religious so religion’s opinion on online dating is very important to discuss. The whole debate on online marriage according to Islam is about the legality of such marriage (Reyah 2009). There are almost 200 Arab websites which offer online marriage and almost 8 million Arabs visit such websites (Reyah 2009). This might prove that people are seeking such marriages because of financial factors and other factors. According to Dr.Hayel Abdelhafez, Islamic religion professor in Cairo University, online marriage has become a phenomenon nowadays in the Arab world (Reyah 2009). Some religious figures are against online marriage because they think that having a marriage certificate online is not valid as in Islam, there should be two witnesses for the marriage process (Saeed ) As a result, online marriage would miss this important step in marriage and this is why some consider it invalid (Reyah 2009).
In fact, some people are mixing between meeting online and then getting married according to the traditional way and with online marriage. In my opinion, the two concepts are different and online marriage is getting married online and people have the relationship only online while meeting online is all about the way which people have met (Saeed ) I think online marriage is not logical as marriage should depend on face to face relationship and not only facing the computer screen and consider it marriage. A question for those who choose to get married online should be asked and it is why would they choose to get married online instead of the traditional way in the court or mosque and at the same time the certificate would be registered in the court? I can not understand the reason from having the marriage online and at the same time register the marriage certificate in the court as any traditional marriage. The reason for that might be as I mentioned before about being away from home so any couple needs to get married online then register this marriage to be legal. The question here would be are marriages through the internet illegal? Some religious figures might answer this question as Dr.Abdelhafez thinks that to have a marriage certificate online is ok but it must be registered in the court to be legal (Saeed ). In addition, Dr.Abdelhafez suggested that marriage certificates can be written online but with religious supervision (Saeed ). For example, online marriage websites should be sponsored by religious institutions so it would be legal and authentic (Saeed ). I think this might be fair enough for those who cannot get married in one country. To conclude, religious figures call online marriage as “Take away marriage” because of lack of credibility (Saeed ). “I am not against using the internet and new technology but for marriage certificate, it is unacceptable according to Islam and need to have restrictions, Dr.Abo Al-basal said (Saeed ). This quote sums up the opinion of Islam on online marriage.
In addition, 60% of Arab dating websites has turned to be about sex and pornography (Issa 2010). Almost 7 million Arab users visit such websites (Issa 2010). This might show that Arabs use such websites to fulfill their sexual desires (Issa 2010). This also indicates that Arabs who use those websites sexually repressed; this is confirmed by Dr.Najwa Abdelhamid, a sociologist in Ain Sham University, as she stated that Arab culture is conservative and it is a taboo to talk about sex (Issa 2010). As a result, young people who are curious to talk about this topic tend to use the internet as it is free to seek information about sex (Issa 2010). Moreover, young Arabs in the past tend to fulfill their sexual desires by reading novels and watching films, Dr.Abdelhamid added (Issa 2010); this has changed with the invention of the internet in early 1990s. Also, because of cultural reasons, Arab women do not talk about sexual desires with their partners so they fulfill those desires online (Issa 2010). This is in my opinion might be true as sex is a very sensitive issue in the Arab world and people cannot talk about which I really believe it is something wrong and leads people to do more wrong things.
To illustrate more about online dating in Arab society, some examples of Arab dating websites would be mentioned. The most famous Arab online dating is called “Bent Alhalal” which means “the good woman for marriage” (Bent Alhalal website: the biggest and most famous Arab and Muslim dating website). To avoid members who are not serious in their membership, the website puts strict restrictions on members and might deactivate any membership if the member is not serious (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). This shows that people who want to only have fun in such websites are very common. Sameer, 34 year old a member of Bent Alhalal, expresses how he does not believe in the idea of online dating but participated in it hoping to find the perfect partner (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think this is very contradicting as this guy doesn’t believe in the whole idea but takes part in online dating website which is really strange. This is a huge problem within Arabs as they use technology in almost everything but at the same time criticize it and do not accept it. This is again caused by culture and conservative societies which people should follow. Another member in Bent Alhalal, Nasir, 27 year old, from Jordan expresses how the way of getting married online is new to the Arab society and stated that “ We as Muslims believe that traditional marriage is the suitable way for us” (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Nasir’s quote concludes how Arabs use technology but at the same time do not believe in online marriage and stick to their culture. In addition, Nasir believes that Arabs refuse this way of marriage because it comes from” the West” (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think this is a valid argument but any society needs to adapt any new idea and not only adopt it as it is. This may be what some Arab online dating websites are trying to do.
Some successful stories from Bent Alhalal website might show that people are different in using such websites as some online marriage stories are successful (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). The successful marriage stories of people who met through Bent Alhalal website encourage others to use such websites and build a happy life.
Other Arab online dating website is Muslima.com which is for all Muslims to gather and get married (Muslima.com: to gather all Muslims). This website has led me to think more about the notion of it is for all Muslims and at the same time the debate around the legality of online marriage in Islam is very common. This might show that people use such websites even if religion is against such idea. In my opinion, if people meet via the internet and then decide to meet in real life, it is ok because after that, it is going to be like any traditional marriage and in this case, Islam allows such thing. The debate on such websites is again about how people might be sure about the seriousness of members as some include all good things about themselves (Abeed 2006). However, the good characteristics are fake because people make a good use of anonymity. (Abeed 2006)
In conclusion, the internet is just a new and another way people meet each other by. This does not mean that online dating has replaced traditional way of meeting people to marry but it is just another way. Dr.Maysaa, the Arab sociologist, stated that Arab society needs time to adapt such new way of dating (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). In my opinion, online dating is a fact in Arab society and should be taken in consideration. Concerning online dating and cheating, it might be common even in face to face relationships. As a result, it depends on personalities and how people deal with such relationships. I cannot generalize that all online relationships are not genuine because this would be unfair. I think people might meet online but they should meet in real life to build a genuine relationship.
Bibliography
Abeed, M. (2006), "Love and Marriage through the internet" . Available from: http://zed70.maktoobblog.com [Accessed: April 26, 2010].
Al-khatateya, K. (2010), Electronic marriage: the solution for the high number of spinsterhood or another cause for divorce " الزواج الالكتروني :حل لمشكلة العنوسة ام تعقيد اكبر ومسبب للطلاق" . Available from: http://www.manbaralrai.com/?q=node/68997 [Accessed: March 28, 2010].
Bent Alhalal website: the biggest and most famous Arab and Muslim dating website "بنت الحلال : اكبر واشهر موقع عربي اسلامي للزواج على الانترنت " . Available from: http://bentelhalal.maktoob.com/ [Accessed: May 3, 2010].
Cornwell, B., Lundgren, D. & C. (2001), "Love on the Internet: involvement and misrepresentation in romantic relationships in cyberspace vs. real space", Computers in Human Behavior, vol., no. pp. 197-211.
Issa, S. (2010), "80% of Arab youth in illicit relationships, Internet is the portal for Youth to sex " 80% من الشباب العربي في علاقات غير مشروعة الإنترنت بوابة الشباب إلى الجنس الإلكتروني" ", Aljareeda, Jan 19.
McKenna, K. Y. A. (1999). The computers that bind: relationship formation on the Internet (Doctoral dissertation, Ohio University, 1998). Dissertation Abstracts International, 59, 2236.
Merkle, E.R. & Richardson, R.A. (2000), "Digital Dating and Virtual Relating: Conceptualizing Computer Mediated Romantic Relationships", National Council on Family Relations, vol. 49, no. 2, pp. 187-192.
Muslima.com: to gather all Muslims . Available from: http://www.muslima.com/Arabic/success.cfm [Accessed: April 6, 2010].
Reyah, N. (2009), Marriage through the internet " الزواج عبر الانترنت" . Available from: http://swmsa.net/forum/archive/index.php/t-12070.html [Accessed: April 8, 2010].
Saeed, A., Electronic Marriage " الزواج الالكتروني" . Available from: http://www.barasy.com/pages-859.html [Accessed: April 26, 2010].
Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner “شباب العرب يتجهون الى الانترنت بحثا عن نصفهم الاخر" (2008),. Available from: http://www.compuhot.com/news.asp?c=2&id=10665 [Accessed: May 1, 2010].
Negotiating dating online within Arab contexts
“I and my fiancée met online but we tend to tell people that we have met in a friend’s party”; this is what my friend answered me when I asked her how she met her fiancée. My friend told me this information because I am a close friend and would understand the situation. This story is common in the Arab world nowadays as Arab people still have a difficulty accepting the idea of people meeting or dating online. Arabs also have a negative image on people meeting online so people might hide how they have met like my friend (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). In this paper, I am going to look at some of the reasons why people have this negative image of online dating. In addition, I am going to provide some examples of Arab online dating website to illustrate more.
Some facts about online dating would be mentioned to give a brief background on online dating in general. Nowadays, marriage has become easily arranged online and even sexual desires can be simply fulfilled (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.187). People worldwide lately have used the internet for dating, getting married and even having sex (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.187). The number of online romantic relationships has increased dramatically as more people nowadays have access to the internet (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). The question here would be how could online romantic relationships affect face to face relationships? People who experience online dating report those face to face relationships are not affected and consider online relationships important as face to face relationships (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). Merkle (2000) described the internet as the new space for people to shape social relationships. This is obvious as more people are using internet for online dating (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). I also agree with Merkle’s definition of the internet as nowadays almost everything has become digital even social communications such as sending a birthday card instead of calling...etc. In addition, Mckenna (1999) has found in a study conducted on 600 randomly respondents in the United States that 51% of respondents create close friends online and 35% created romantic relationships. This study proves the idea that internet is being used increasingly nowadays for dating and romantic relationships.
After giving a brief introduction on online dating worldwide, a background on Arabs and online dating would be introduced. The notion of online dating is new to the Arab society but at the same time it is commonly used especially with the high rate of unmarried young people (Abeed 2006). In the Arab world, it is common for the family to choose for young people the suitable groom or bride (Abeed 2006). However, the internet has given young Arabs the chance to choose the partner by themselves (Abeed 2006).The Arab society, especially the Gulf society, is conservative and the notion of online dating is new but commonly used among young people because of repression caused by family control and culture (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner).
The background on online dating mentioned above would lead to the research questions of this essay. First, what are the reasons for Arabs to use the internet to meet people then get married? Second, how would Arab society deal with online dating? Finally, what is the role of culture, religion and family dealing with online relationships?
The reasons for Arabs to use the internet for dating and then marriage are various. First, some Arabs are away from their hometown. As a result, the tradition is to get married to someone from the same country but this is a bit difficult when people are not in their home country. For example, Suheer is an Iraqi lady who lives in Jordan and wants to get married but from an Iraqi man (Al-khatateya 2010); she is in her thirties and needs to get married as she is getting old and the society has started to criticize her for being late in getting married (Al-khatateya 2010). As a result, she used the internet to find the man of her dreams. She eventually found the man and they got married but the guy turned to be abusive and not like what he claimed to be online and she even described him as a “monster” (Al-khatateya 2010). The story of Suheer indicates two points; the first point is about the Arab culture and how the society views the girl who is unmarried in her thirties as spinster and look down to her. The second point is about having fake image through the internet because it is all about computer screen and cheating can be common. However, internet sometimes might be the only way for meeting people to get married especially for people from a country like Iraq with circumstances caused by the war (Al-khatateya 2010).
Another reason for Arabs using internet for dating is in some Arab countries especially the Gulf area, girls and boys do not usually communicate and mix. Consequently, girls and boys tend to use the internet to choose their partner instead of family choosing on their behalf (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Repressed youth not only using internet for online dating but they might do so many wrong things online as well (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Ali Alwardy, An Iraqi sociologist, criticized such conservative communities which repress its people and then behave wrongly (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think Arab society is contradictory as Gulf society does not allow girls and boys to mix and at the same time let them do whatever they want online (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner).
In addition, there are other reasons for Arabs to use internet for dating and the first is shyness (Abeed 2006). Some Arabs just feel shy to talk about themselves online and this is why internet solves this problem as they can chat and write without facing the person. Some people ,especially women, feel embarrassed to talk about themselves face to face so they prefer online dating (Abeed 2006). I think conservative societies cause young people to be shy and then use internet to escape facing people.
Also, some Arabs believe in the notion of meeting and getting married online for some reasons. Some believe that internet gives people the chance to know their partners well before getting married (Reyah 2009). For some, traditional way of getting married does not allow them to know the partner well so online dating is the best for such people in such conservative communities (Reyah 2009). This is the advantage of internet as people have the chance to talk freely and tend to know the other better. Moreover, anonymity is one of the advantages which people like about online dating (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). According to a qualitative research conducted by Wysocki in 1996-1998, people prefer online dating to face to face relationships because they can enjoy the anonymity in the beginning of meeting new people (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). People via online dating feel free to reveal many personal matters because it is anonymous. However, some might criticize this notion and say it is also a bad thing as some people hide behind this anonymity and cheat people.
Some Arabs believe that online relationships allow people to be in control of such relationships. For example, people can disconnect or block any unpleasant people they meet online but in real life, it is hard to delete somebody (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.190). This advantage might be good for some but at the same time it might be a disadvantage as people might only be having fun and not serious in the relationship. This is the main problem with online dating which Arabs are concerned about and I would talk more about in the next paragraph.
The last sentence of the previous paragraph leads to why online dating is problematic for Arabs. According to the marital and family therapist David Schnarch (1997), some and most men might prefer to have a romantic relationship online because such relationships have no commitment (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.190). This means that online relationships are not serious and only for fun as my hypothesis suggested. However, I cannot generalize that all online relationships are not deep or serious as there are some successful relationships which have started online. Arabs also believe that online relationships are not authentic because users can log off from their computer anytime and do not reply to any message online (Merkle& Richardson 2000, p.189). This might be true but it depends on individuals and how serious they are in their relationship. It is hard to know but when a couple decides to develop their relationship to meet in real life, the case is going to be different. At the same time, some people might see the ability to log off anytime people want as an advantage and keep people in control.
In addition, one of the problems of online dating is cheating among married couples online (Reyah 2009). Some Arabs believe that online dating and marriage would bring social problems to the family such as unsettlement (Reyah 2009). However, cheating and unsettlement among the family can be common among couples who get married traditionally so why would those problems be only related to online marriage? The reason for that might be because people tend to know shallow stuff about each other via the internet. However, this contradicts what some claim about online dating that people have the chance to be more honest talking about themselves because it is anonymous (Reyah 2009).
Online infidelity among couples is one of the problems of online dating. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the rate of divorce has risen due to online infidelity (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.127). 53% of respondents to the study conducted by Mckenna, people not only commit infidelity to their face to face relationships but to their online relationships as well (McKenna 1999). This again shows that people are just having fun through online relationships as they do not stick to one online relationship (Cornwell& Lundgren 2001, p.132). This is mainly why most Arabs have a negative image about online dating and marriage.
Furthermore, divorce rate is high among people from conservative societies; this does not mean divorce is not common among people from other communities or only among online relationships but its more common among online relationships (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Maysa Al-karaan, a social care specialist explains how online dating might cause shock for some young people as they imagine what the partner looks like online and when they get married, they are shocked because the image in their mind is not as in reality (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). This shock might be applied to online sex where some men use pornography websites and compare what they are exposed to online with real life and their wives (Issa 2010). This results in weak relationship among husbands and wives (Issa 2010). I think this is a real problem for young married couples and this is why the rate of divorce among young couples is very high (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Dr.Basant Mahmoud, A sociologist with PhD in early divorce, states that internet has become one of the important causes of divorce in the Arab world as people depend on sex websites and get shocked in reality (Issa 2010). Lack of sexual awareness has led young people to be curious about sex and then use the internet especially sex websites to fulfill their sexual desires, dr. Mahmoud added (Issa 2010).
In addition, Dr.Heba Qutb, sex health expert, stated that online sex might cause many problems for young people and one of these problems is late marriage (Issa 2010). Young single men tend to use the internet for online sex and this might replace real sex, Dr. Qutb added (Issa 2010). This is true in my opinion as in a conservative society where sex is a taboo, people tend to find alternatives and internet is one of the best alternatives (Issa 2010).
Economic and financial factors which prevent young people from getting married contribute to the notion of people using internet to fulfill their desires (Issa 2010). Dr Qutb stated that online sex or dating is cheaper than real marriage as nowadays in Egypt for example, it is expensive for middle class people to get married. As a result, people tend to use online dating for fewer expenses (Issa 2010). It is worth to add that sometimes married men seek sex online as it is cheap and does not require specific place and time, dr. Qutb added (Issa 2010).
Arab society in general is religious so religion’s opinion on online dating is very important to discuss. The whole debate on online marriage according to Islam is about the legality of such marriage (Reyah 2009). There are almost 200 Arab websites which offer online marriage and almost 8 million Arabs visit such websites (Reyah 2009). This might prove that people are seeking such marriages because of financial factors and other factors. According to Dr.Hayel Abdelhafez, Islamic religion professor in Cairo University, online marriage has become a phenomenon nowadays in the Arab world (Reyah 2009). Some religious figures are against online marriage because they think that having a marriage certificate online is not valid as in Islam, there should be two witnesses for the marriage process (Saeed ) As a result, online marriage would miss this important step in marriage and this is why some consider it invalid (Reyah 2009).
In fact, some people are mixing between meeting online and then getting married according to the traditional way and with online marriage. In my opinion, the two concepts are different and online marriage is getting married online and people have the relationship only online while meeting online is all about the way which people have met (Saeed ) I think online marriage is not logical as marriage should depend on face to face relationship and not only facing the computer screen and consider it marriage. A question for those who choose to get married online should be asked and it is why would they choose to get married online instead of the traditional way in the court or mosque and at the same time the certificate would be registered in the court? I can not understand the reason from having the marriage online and at the same time register the marriage certificate in the court as any traditional marriage. The reason for that might be as I mentioned before about being away from home so any couple needs to get married online then register this marriage to be legal. The question here would be are marriages through the internet illegal? Some religious figures might answer this question as Dr.Abdelhafez thinks that to have a marriage certificate online is ok but it must be registered in the court to be legal (Saeed ). In addition, Dr.Abdelhafez suggested that marriage certificates can be written online but with religious supervision (Saeed ). For example, online marriage websites should be sponsored by religious institutions so it would be legal and authentic (Saeed ). I think this might be fair enough for those who cannot get married in one country. To conclude, religious figures call online marriage as “Take away marriage” because of lack of credibility (Saeed ). “I am not against using the internet and new technology but for marriage certificate, it is unacceptable according to Islam and need to have restrictions, Dr.Abo Al-basal said (Saeed ). This quote sums up the opinion of Islam on online marriage.
In addition, 60% of Arab dating websites has turned to be about sex and pornography (Issa 2010). Almost 7 million Arab users visit such websites (Issa 2010). This might show that Arabs use such websites to fulfill their sexual desires (Issa 2010). This also indicates that Arabs who use those websites sexually repressed; this is confirmed by Dr.Najwa Abdelhamid, a sociologist in Ain Sham University, as she stated that Arab culture is conservative and it is a taboo to talk about sex (Issa 2010). As a result, young people who are curious to talk about this topic tend to use the internet as it is free to seek information about sex (Issa 2010). Moreover, young Arabs in the past tend to fulfill their sexual desires by reading novels and watching films, Dr.Abdelhamid added (Issa 2010); this has changed with the invention of the internet in early 1990s. Also, because of cultural reasons, Arab women do not talk about sexual desires with their partners so they fulfill those desires online (Issa 2010). This is in my opinion might be true as sex is a very sensitive issue in the Arab world and people cannot talk about which I really believe it is something wrong and leads people to do more wrong things.
To illustrate more about online dating in Arab society, some examples of Arab dating websites would be mentioned. The most famous Arab online dating is called “Bent Alhalal” which means “the good woman for marriage” (Bent Alhalal website: the biggest and most famous Arab and Muslim dating website). To avoid members who are not serious in their membership, the website puts strict restrictions on members and might deactivate any membership if the member is not serious (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). This shows that people who want to only have fun in such websites are very common. Sameer, 34 year old a member of Bent Alhalal, expresses how he does not believe in the idea of online dating but participated in it hoping to find the perfect partner (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think this is very contradicting as this guy doesn’t believe in the whole idea but takes part in online dating website which is really strange. This is a huge problem within Arabs as they use technology in almost everything but at the same time criticize it and do not accept it. This is again caused by culture and conservative societies which people should follow. Another member in Bent Alhalal, Nasir, 27 year old, from Jordan expresses how the way of getting married online is new to the Arab society and stated that “ We as Muslims believe that traditional marriage is the suitable way for us” (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). Nasir’s quote concludes how Arabs use technology but at the same time do not believe in online marriage and stick to their culture. In addition, Nasir believes that Arabs refuse this way of marriage because it comes from” the West” (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). I think this is a valid argument but any society needs to adapt any new idea and not only adopt it as it is. This may be what some Arab online dating websites are trying to do.
Some successful stories from Bent Alhalal website might show that people are different in using such websites as some online marriage stories are successful (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). The successful marriage stories of people who met through Bent Alhalal website encourage others to use such websites and build a happy life.
Other Arab online dating website is Muslima.com which is for all Muslims to gather and get married (Muslima.com: to gather all Muslims). This website has led me to think more about the notion of it is for all Muslims and at the same time the debate around the legality of online marriage in Islam is very common. This might show that people use such websites even if religion is against such idea. In my opinion, if people meet via the internet and then decide to meet in real life, it is ok because after that, it is going to be like any traditional marriage and in this case, Islam allows such thing. The debate on such websites is again about how people might be sure about the seriousness of members as some include all good things about themselves (Abeed 2006). However, the good characteristics are fake because people make a good use of anonymity. (Abeed 2006)
In conclusion, the internet is just a new and another way people meet each other by. This does not mean that online dating has replaced traditional way of meeting people to marry but it is just another way. Dr.Maysaa, the Arab sociologist, stated that Arab society needs time to adapt such new way of dating (Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner). In my opinion, online dating is a fact in Arab society and should be taken in consideration. Concerning online dating and cheating, it might be common even in face to face relationships. As a result, it depends on personalities and how people deal with such relationships. I cannot generalize that all online relationships are not genuine because this would be unfair. I think people might meet online but they should meet in real life to build a genuine relationship.
Bibliography
Abeed, M. (2006), "Love and Marriage through the internet" . Available from: http://zed70.maktoobblog.com [Accessed: April 26, 2010].
Al-khatateya, K. (2010), Electronic marriage: the solution for the high number of spinsterhood or another cause for divorce " الزواج الالكتروني :حل لمشكلة العنوسة ام تعقيد اكبر ومسبب للطلاق" . Available from: http://www.manbaralrai.com/?q=node/68997 [Accessed: March 28, 2010].
Bent Alhalal website: the biggest and most famous Arab and Muslim dating website "بنت الحلال : اكبر واشهر موقع عربي اسلامي للزواج على الانترنت " . Available from: http://bentelhalal.maktoob.com/ [Accessed: May 3, 2010].
Cornwell, B., Lundgren, D. & C. (2001), "Love on the Internet: involvement and misrepresentation in romantic relationships in cyberspace vs. real space", Computers in Human Behavior, vol., no. pp. 197-211.
Issa, S. (2010), "80% of Arab youth in illicit relationships, Internet is the portal for Youth to sex " 80% من الشباب العربي في علاقات غير مشروعة الإنترنت بوابة الشباب إلى الجنس الإلكتروني" ", Aljareeda, Jan 19.
McKenna, K. Y. A. (1999). The computers that bind: relationship formation on the Internet (Doctoral dissertation, Ohio University, 1998). Dissertation Abstracts International, 59, 2236.
Merkle, E.R. & Richardson, R.A. (2000), "Digital Dating and Virtual Relating: Conceptualizing Computer Mediated Romantic Relationships", National Council on Family Relations, vol. 49, no. 2, pp. 187-192.
Muslima.com: to gather all Muslims . Available from: http://www.muslima.com/Arabic/success.cfm [Accessed: April 6, 2010].
Reyah, N. (2009), Marriage through the internet " الزواج عبر الانترنت" . Available from: http://swmsa.net/forum/archive/index.php/t-12070.html [Accessed: April 8, 2010].
Saeed, A., Electronic Marriage " الزواج الالكتروني" . Available from: http://www.barasy.com/pages-859.html [Accessed: April 26, 2010].
Young Arabs use the internet searching for their partner “شباب العرب يتجهون الى الانترنت بحثا عن نصفهم الاخر" (2008),. Available from: http://www.compuhot.com/news.asp?c=2&id=10665 [Accessed: May 1, 2010].
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